*generic witty title*

"Hey Picard."

"Yes?"

"You'll never believe it, but I have actually met someone - a female, I might add - who actually likes me and won't lump me into the 'quirky slightly camp male friend' category."

". . . go on."

"Hah, of course I haven't!  April Fool's Jean-Luc!"

"Yeah, How d'you like them apples Picard . . . if that is your real name?"

Jean-Luc Picard. Not liking 'them apples' since July 13th, 2305

And onwards . . .

Obi-Wan Kenobi once said of Mos Eisley spaceport that "you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy".   Clearly, he never met my next-door neighbours.  The other day - as usual - they were having a rather vocal disagreement, until the gentleman delivered the following pearler of a line.

"I F%$KING WORK ALL F%$CKING DAY AND I COME HOME AND YOU'VE MADE A SH#T DINNER.  YOU CAN'T COOK FOR SH#T . . . . BECAUSE YOU'RE A SCHLAAAAAAGGGG!!!"

Now, I have a few questions . . .

1) If you've been out to work 'all day', how come I hear you arguing at all hours?

2) Please could you elaborate on how being a 'schlaaaaaagggg' would impair one's cooking ability?

I did an absolute peach of an impression to my neighbours bold statement to Adam on a rather eventful evening . . . one in which we were sat in my house at 20:00 on a Saturday evening, and then complained it was a bit cold.  So, being a good host, I turned the heating up and suggested we go for a quiet half and some dry roasted peanuts . . . 


Six hours later, we returned home in a non too-good state.


I won't fill you in on our drunken antics - mainly because most of which are a mystery to me - but boy were we pulling some shapes!  Such shapes were we pulling, in fact, that this one girl did not stop looking at the two of us.


Our collective thoughts at 04:30am;

. . . and at 10:00am;

I've said it before and I will say it again; hindsight is a wonderful thing.  I mean, with hindsight, would Hitler have invaded Russia? Nope.  Well, my 'hindsight' moment is less world-changing than that, but with hindsight, it probably was not the best idea to crumble to Turner's demands of "let's have it large then" when we had to be up at 10:00am for a long car journey to London to watch a football match.

Just to highlight, sitting in a stadium full of 50,000 shouting fans is not the place to be with a cracking hang-over.  No matter how much I asked them all nicely, they just wouldn't tone it down.

That Saturday night at Mosh (in Derby - brilliant!) was the cherry on top of a good week; this whole single malarky is actually awesome!  It was also a week in which two new entries came for the best insult I've ever received.

Adam - Yeah the reason you always get ID'ed is because you look like you're fourteen . . . and a fourteen year old girl at that.

Claire - One day you'll find someone and have the whole marriage and children thing . . . or more likely a civil partnership and an adoption.

Still, I think the ultimate best came from one of Claire's friends, Becky.  T'was a night where we nearly got "shanked" in an alleyway, but once the altercation had died down Becky turned to me, completely serious and sobbing, and said;

"Oh Michael I'm so glad they didn't do anything to you to ruin your beautiful face."

. . . I'M A 25 YEAR OLD MAN!

Recently, I've had people seeking my advice a lot over relationships and these fancy womenfolk in general . . . . I know! Me?  Relationship advice?  Excuse me while I lolwut.  I doubt there is anyone less suited to giving out relationship advice; christ, I asked my last girlfriend out over a bag of gummy bears, clearly this highlights at just how bad I am at such things.  This happened to me a few years ago - I swear it's purely due to having 'Silk' as a last name that people come to me - where someone had a massive crush on a girl and asked me what to do.  My reply?

"Erm . . . . why not try writing her a letter?"

In the end, this chap got the girl, but through no usage of letters.  In fact, he went to another friend who told him to make sure "he is never the last one to text" and "leave massive gaps before texting back".

Hmph!  I'll keep the letters and gummy bears to myself!