Let me share something with you which is not commonly known, but as a history graduate, I am privvy to this little nugget of information. It is a long forgotten piece of history - some even say its just a myth - that HMV actually was a music shop. Oh yes, there are primary sources from people that used to be able to leisurely browse several aisles of CD's, rather than just lots of empty spaces filled up with miniture gadgets to put music onto.
That - a music shop with minimal music in it - is just one of the contradictions I find about modern society. The one that always always grinds my gears is automatic doors. Why? Why? Why? I'm not even referring to the cost of electircity or the effects on the planet (with me being a vegetarian, my sister being a lesbian and my mother living on a canal boat, I do frequently have to stress that I'm not from a hippy family) but the fact that every automatic door takes longer to open than just simply pushing it. Worse still are the ones that open so slowly that you have to actually reduce your approach speed. The other day I went to the bank and for some reason the automatic door did not register me as a living soul, so there I stood looking helpless in the vestibule (sorry, I just needed to use the word 'vestibule,' its so pleasant and under-used) until a pock-faced lanky teenage girl with a nose so large that I would not be shocked if she could smell into the future sprang it into action by merely approaching it.
Yes, I am in a foul mood.
It's not limited to just physical embodiments like that, condractions have infected our language too. Sayings such as 'industrial action' - excuse me while I 'lolwut', but isn't the whole point of taking 'industrial action' to cause industrial inaction?
Although my ultimate ultimate favourite condractory saying has to be 'dirty virgin'. That is just . . . well, where to start. Grace, my ex-girlfriend I was on-and-off with from the age of 17 to 23 once called me a 'dirty virgin' in an argument. I can't remember what my comeback was, but it was something along the lines of;
"Virgin? No, that title went quite a few years ago. Remember, you were there?"
The main reason why I'm a bit tetchy is because it is that time of the month. No, not like that, I am referring to the unending trauma I have to face when going for a haircut. My hair is pretty unadventurous, I've adopted the style which was made popular Adolf Hitler's European tour of 1939-45, and just mess it up a wee bit. Whenever I go to the hairdressers, I mutter the following sentence without fail;
"I'd like to keep the style, but it's just got a bit long around the back and sides and just needs a bit of a trim."
The endless varieites of hairstyles I leave the place with after issuing these instructions is quite incredible, although the Rod Stewart-esque look has to be the most outrageous. Needless to say, the hat I take with me without fail made an appearance.
Another thing that is on my mind a lot recently, I mentioned earlier, is Grace. Not in a romantic sense or anything like that, because I think we would both agree that ending our relationship was probably more the best; the last I heard from her she was with some chap called Alex who was more successful and more intelligent than me, and basically sounded like a good match . . . maybe she was trying to make me jealous, I dunno, but she was happy, and the last time I spoke to her I was with Poppy and between all four of us it was immensely rosey (which wasn't entirely the truth, but I was trying to make her jealous because I thought she was trying to make me jealous.)
What can I say? I get childish at times.
What can I say? I get childish at times.
. . . . did any of that sound bitter? Hmmm, looks it. Like I say, I have absolutely no romantic feelings for her, but I will admit that has been a massive part of my life. She is my ultimate best friend and knows me better than I know myself, and I miss her and just hope that she is happy more than anything. Obviously I can't say that to her; our relationship when it existed was more of a chess game, constantly trying to second-guess one another and why they are doing what they are doing or saying what they are saying, so it would just stir up more unneccessary trouble. We did have trouble at first; she told her friends that I had stolen £500 off her by hacking her bank account.
Really? Me? Dude, I can't even get out of the bank without being aided by a teenager.
But she did later apologise and we spoke for a time as friends until Pops got involved and caused a bit of a stir. Oh well!
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| Me and Grace, 2003. I was 17, she was 19 . . . yep, I haven't changed at all in seven years. |
